Peter Krupa

The headline had me all a-flutter: “Money trails lead to Bush judges.” Oh what new evil machination could this be? Dreamed up by Karl Rove, no doubt, or possibly Dick (shudder) Cheney. The subhead cried out from the highest mountains: A four-month investigation reveals that dozens of federal judges gave contributions to President Bush and top Republicans who helped place them on the bench.

“Holy shit!” I said to myself. “People are buying judgeships!” And so I read:

At least two dozen federal judges appointed by President Bush since 2001 made political contributions to key Republicans or to the president himself while under consideration for their judgeships, government records show. A four-month investigation of Bush-appointed judges by the Center for Investigative Reporting reveals that six appellate court judges and 18 district court judges contributed a total of more than $44,000 to politicians who were influential in their appointments. Some gave money directly to Bush after he officially nominated them. Other judges contributed to Republican campaign committees while they were under consideration for a judgeship.

“Holy shit!” I said to myself again. “I need to get in on this!” Because the crazy thing is, I actually could! I mean, hell, a measly $44,000 for 24 judgeships? That’s like, what? Less than two G’s per spot? I could put two on my credit card! Shit, if bought judgeships come that cheap around here, Mexico should start outsourcing.

And the Republicans must be in a desperate financial situation to risk their party, their careers, the careers of 24 professional jurists, and the foundation of the country’s judicial system for the price of a decent luxury car.

Oh wait, but isn’t that strange, Republicans have out-fundraised democrats this cycle $419 million to $304 million (pdf), and $44,000 is pretty small potatoes in comparison. Maybe it was illegal? But no, whoops, right in the third paragraph: “There are no laws or regulations prohibiting political contributions by a candidate for a federal judgeship.”

Could it be - could it possibly be - that Salon was planning an investigative-report sucker punch on Republican misconduct, but turned up nothing? And printed it anyway?

I guess the moral here, for all you aspiring ma-gah-zeen editors out there, is that if your audience hates Republicans irrationally enough, they’ll swallow whatever rabble-rousing piece of horse shit you feed them.

Remember: Not ideas. Tribes.