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Exercise in lameness

Now that James Cameron says he’ll be directing a sequel to The Most Derivative Movie Ever Made, I thought I’d throw out some ideas for the new film.

  • Jawal is a Na’vi cop. He’s a rebel who uses unorthodox methods to get results. But when he crashes another winged batty thing in a madcap aerial pursuit, his superiors have had enough. They assign him a new partner: A human fresh from the academy, who does things strictly by the book.
  • An evil inter-galactic emperor rules Pandora with a heavy hand. With only her pluck and indigenous  ingenuity, as well as the help of a mysterious human who can make things float with his mind, a Na’vi princess is able to mount an insurgency that frustrates the Evil Emperor and brings him to their planet. She leads her people to victory in a climactic battle against a bunch of walking machines. The emperor and the floaty human have a showdown in which it is revealed that the emperor is his father.
  • A giant meteorite is threatening to destroy Pandora. The humans have to work together with the Na’vi to stop it – BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE.
  • Uhllanta, a beautiful Na’vi female, invites her fiancé over to spend a weekend with her manipulative mother and authoritarian father. Hilarity and awkwardness ensue when it turns out her fiancé is a human.
  • Jenny really wishes her boyfriend Nummbata – a Na’vi worrier – would propose to her. After all, they’ve been dating long enough. But all he’s interested in is hanging out with his friends, smoking pot, and killing things with spears. She wishes he would get serious and take that job her dad has offered him as a mid-level manager at Staples corporate headquarters. Then, God appears in the form of Anthony Hopkins. He whisks her off on a journey through time and shows her the true meaning of Pandora, or whatever.

There’s more where this came from. Cameron: Call me.

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